I wish I was special

 

“The moon is far, but we can always dance in the clouds if you want to. If you don’t, stay there then… I will just never know what you can say” … Part of a song, also part of myself and my life. Even on 26 degrees, the temperature freezes all my heart, stopping it to working properly. 2009 is getting close and still many answers remain to be answered. Everything is far from me, everything is tasteless, and still I have to stand on my feet and keep walking my way. No one said it was easy, but still anyone said it was this hard also… For more tears that might fall, I still wake up every day and see the same thing, feel the same way and wish for the same things, for the same words… And then, while cleaning my useless tears, I fall myself in reality and see how much it really hurts… I’m fixing my broken wings, because I need to fly away from here, out of this reality, going somewhere else where only I know where and find myself again. All the words I would love to hear just seem more far away from me by every day that passes at my side… “see you soon”  is always too far away while words want to come out and be heard… I just wish I was special, because I really don’t belong here.

“Don’t judge after small things the heart of a woman who went half the world with you…”

 

3 Sentences

There goes some time of silence, this didn’t died, it’s just getting ready to re-born again.

 

Keep walking.

 

Tonight

 

In a place of illusion I stand looking down there, and seeing what is expecting for me… Soon tonight will be tomorrow, and tomorrow will be next year, but even so, all the windows are closed in a way that I can’t look trough them… Tonight I began to understand what it’s all about. What if I choose to live? What if I decide to live in my little world… are hopes doubting now, after a war of feelings? To fix, to repair, to love, to fall… I know. Someday I wake you, sometimes I wait for myself, others I hold you… but tonight is just tonight, like tomorrow and so on, I’m somewhere there again on a place that scares me more than everything… Eu am nevoie tu… i domnişoară tu.. a face pe plac la a fi al meu…

01:09

 

Still waked up, no way how to sleep… Trying to walk with faith by walking with my eyes closed; it’s the only way not to know where I am going to, the only way not to think of tomorrow, it’s just being impossible. I don’t know any place else to hide, any place else to look at. I looked at that immense ocean in the middle of the night, and felt that sand touching my skin, and I layed down… Suddenly, all my worries went away, I was far from everything; anything could hurt me in that moment when I let myself go… It was just me and the sound of the powerful nature. We stood there, and we spoke about us, and about my heart. In the end, it just smiled and told me not to worry, not because he knew how it will go, but because it knew where it would never go… That somehow in that moment made me happier, and then I decided to share that hope that entered straight down in my veins, smashing by the way all the bad feelings that were inside of me… I was myself again, I believed again, and I smiled. Since then, I hold on to that moment where I had my answers, when I somehow knew that everything will just make this beautiful story even more strong and more beautiful. I still don’t have doubts about it, and if I just know that, then I ask myself why am I still here fading sometimes and hurting feelings already injured that I am fighting so much to hold in a pillow of soft feathers. The answer for all that, is only my heart who wants to release from my body and just fly away to that beautiful sunshine that simply full fills it. It still can’t reach it, but it will, just some more days, and everything will follow its way as it’s meant to be. I don’t know how, but I do know what I want more than I ever knew in every single second of my life. If there was an epicenter in my life where I could point and say where was I so decided, this is the moment now, no matter what, it still will be. I am not waiting for any answers, not trying to rush this life, I just needed to say this before I lost myself counting each single second passing by me, don’t ask me why, it’s the stupid “just me”, but that moment when I was laid down in the middle of nowhere brought me almost everything back, because like someone said, “there was no filters”, it came directly from the heart, something that was just a wish shared by us and no one else. So I will go back to that point, hold on to that feeling, and end this journey here with honor and dignity, do everything people are expecting from me to be, because in the end someone will be proud that I could make it. Believe me, I will, not only this amazing project that I had fight so much to have, but everything else will be fine, because Lu is back now… And if in the middle of these days I lose my heading somehow, I know exactly where to get it back.

"On earth there is no heaven, but still… There are some pieces of it…"

 

An usual silence

 

My mind is so lost during these days… As most as I try, I can’t stop thinking about facts that I can’t change because they are long gone now, and I don’t know what to do more… If I needed a proof even to myself to know how important people around us are, for sure I didn’t need it in such a hard way. It’s difficult to focus now, to breathe and fill my lungs with fresh air when the weather around me is in such a burning atmosphere. I wish I could go back, I wish I could change hearts, no need for stories to remain untold, simply going straight to the truth. I wanted so much that high-way with no one on it but myself… Not even the ocean during this night brought me calm after that connection went down because there are so many things to say still… All these hours of silence without a sign hit me like a train at high-speed, the difference is that is hurts even more than a locomotive against me… All I wished was to be special… Possible? I don’t know; all I know is that it’s such a powerful desire that it can dry oceans of salt water… I’m losing… losing when I can build such a beautiful day, but  all those clouds are being difficult for sun rays pass through them, not because they’re strong, just because they insist to stay…

Step 3 – Just renamed to… ” I’m Done “

 

I am being totally honest if I say now that I didn’t wanted to write today… so that means something happened… Did something happen? No… The world just fall apart and I started to feel the rain drops in my skin like if they were knifes cutting all my flesh. Nothing happened then, the world is still beautiful and the sun still shines, it’s just wasn’t meant for me. There isn’t any worst person in this world than me. What world? Your world, definitely not mine, mines just lost its colors, skies got grey and thunderstorms are there to last. If yesterday I was so thrilled about all my projects going so well and my future promising being so amazing, today I ask if I really need all this fourth dimension where everything is so easy to achieve… I don’t need it; there is some who need it more than I because they are happy and they are feeling good with themselves. This is something I learned some time ago, it’s worthless to make all the sacrifices in your life; it’s worthless to fight so much… If in the end intentions are made thinking singular… I conclude then, that the step 3 won’t be called like “Step 3 – Go” but instead, “Step 3 – I’m done”.  All the words won’t say anything; all the support phrases won’t work, all the tears won’t still take me from a reality that is killing every single cell in my body, every single hope that I was holding on, every single dream that I had. I wish I could think different now, I really wish that… How tasty it feels a hug and a kiss, when everything goes back to normal, when love is expressed on shinning eyes, saying much more than words, and that empty feeling in our stomach disappears leaving forward soft clouds of joy and happiness. Love is amazing, simply amazing, but this is the real love, where people don’t give up when a problem comes, and for more difficult it might be. I hate this world now; I hate it, a world where everyone gives up, and where hope is lost. Where is the spirit that older generations passed on to us? The generation in which every single problem was faced together, when things last forever, how did we ruined all what others tried for us to built? I should be born much earlier, because I feel not belonging no more to this shitty world, I’m done here if anything changes. What? Maybe the only thing that could change this is to read in your eyes the sentence for my life, because from this point of view… I am already dead…

 

No sense…

 

We all have important moments in our lives… Moments in which we forget our pride and all our past, and with all heart, we just want to see the future in front of us… We make that difficult step where we can always hear a “no” or an “I have to think”… And I just would like to ask why all that when dreams are the same, when things start to meet their place and where love stays above all problems and above all the surrounded space. I still cannot understand… And I know nowadays that it’s really difficult to find love that matches your expectations; not because they are high, just because they are simply unmatchable… Why… Why… Why… I need to see things clear, maybe I’m making no sense, and maybe it’s just illusions mixed with dreams… But I do know what I really want… I really know……… you… All I want… “I do”….. All I ever wished to hear. I will dream now… But still, I will just dream.

“No other things, no other steps, just…”