Me.. Again

Yes, I am getting back… Same odd thoughts, same odd words. But what else can you expect in a world full of crap? And worse, in a crappy person like me? Let me breathe, I’ll be back soon.

Just to say…

Life might be better from today on, i´m flying from portugal to show a star to an angel:)*

Stars

 

Nope, I am still alive, and going at new directions that are putting me in another dimension. There’s been a while since my last post, not because I wanted to, just because it was not a moment that my brain could actually stop for some minutes and look back… 2009 was for me the year of change, a year that showed me amazing things, made me feel in a million different ways, and has it is ending, it’s bringing me new challenges, opening new windows that I never thought they could come so fast… In the end, this is why life is a billion and one questions marks; you never know what tomorrow will bring you… Some long years ago, I was going in a bicycle crying just because I knew what I wanted and didn’t had it, but today, in this particular night, I see myself in that bicycle crying and not knowing exactly why, when I got more than I wanted to… it’s a mix of feelings, a weird confusion in my head, something that I can just describe as impossible to explain… why would we actually cry when all that surround us only gives us reasons to smile? Does it actually make any sense? I guess not… well, anyway I’m trying to see things beyond of what my eyes see… sometimes is just better close them and follow your heart… Because every time I do that, I only have reasons to be happy, and I couldn’t ask for better… we all have our good and bad days, and for me I feel like a book written in a language that not even I recognize… I know this year will end beautifully, and the next one will be bright full, and I will be so happy, I’m happy already! But today the sun turned grey again, or at least it’s how it feels… Distance kills me, silence tortures me, and as more as I try to fight against it, it’s just bigger than me, I just hope it will end soon… L Not always we are happy, sometimes we need to be unhappy in order to things be natural, it’s part of what we are, and there’s nothing better in the world than some sweet words of comfort when you have a bad day, clouds go away and the sun starts to shine again. Tonight is also a special night… I hold the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life. It shines like a star that only I can see it shinning, and it’s simply beautiful.  When I look at it, I start to travel into the future, trying to guess how will it be when I show it into the world, how will I feel, and what words will I say… I actually don’t know exactly, I don’t need to write sentences into a piece of paper, all I need to do is to open my heart and let it do the rest. This year is already ending, and has Christmas and new year’s eve are back once again, I thank God that this year will be different than the last one… I actually never felt the Christmas spirit like I should, I don’t know exactly why, but it’s somehow related to the environment that surrounds me, and this year I am even more far from this spirit, maybe because it’s just me and my walls sharing the same space lately… We all say in this time of year that Christmas is the only time when we remember or others, when we remember or persons who have nothing to wear or to eat. I think we remember all the time, we just become more humans in this occasions because we know exactly how would it feel if we were alone in this time of the year… I don’t know when I will get back here again, so… I wish a merry Christmas to everyone, a happy new year’s eve, and I hope we all try to make next year a better one. Paint the whole world to someone in the color that she loves, because the moon we all know it’s far from us, but still, we can always dance among the stars… if you want…

 

True Life

 

Someone told me once that we should be always thankful for what we have, but some days ago I noticed one story like they are so many, that I started to doubt on this old sentence; unfortunately it’s the world we are living in… A story said by the main character itself… Somewhere far away from Portugal lives someone whose life has nothing more than hard work and tears in the end of the day. At an age of only 23, with a younger sister of 14, both are living alone in not the best conditions they should be, miles away from their parents who are in the country side, but they parents are far from being ok… The mother has blood disease which I prefer not even to say the name, the father… has a lung cancer. Due to this, they cannot work, so in the end, this small poor family of 4 persons is reduced to one single source of incoming, which is this strong soul person. At an age of 23, it should not be easy to give up of studies and a better life someday, to suddenly have to face with 3 jobs at the same time, working 17 hours a day, and still with all that work, to get so few money. The needs are medicines and food for parents, education for younger sister, rents, water and gas to pay, and then there’s no money left for food… Now, it only depends of how much they are willing to take; sometimes they just stay without eating, other times they just go out and ask for food to someone…. Most of you in this moment should be thinking I might have a lot of imagination, and you know… I wish this was only a fruit of my imagination, but unfortunately is a story of someone who’s passing by this every single day in real life… After knowing this situation, I went to bed, and I just couldn’t sleep, I find myself only thinking about this… how can I sleep when I know about someone living like this? Would it be fair for me to simply ignore that I knew about this case? Would I be what I really am if I just pretended that I never heard this? I do know there are a lot of bad situations in the entire world, some of them much more worst, but this was a story that came to me, and I just couldn’t be indifferent. I always believed that things always happen for a reason, and if this “thing” came to me, I just knew it should be a reason… So after thinking of what could I do to make things a little bit better, today I went to my bank, and I just made a western union transfer to this person that I don’t even know, which I never spoke with, and who’s very far from Portugal, and now, I’m here, knowing that I made someone’s life a little bit better, and that somehow makes me feel better with myself because I know that I done what my heart told me to… In the end, if this someone’s story was a lie or not, well, I really don’t care… God will be up there looking, and judging after people’s acts and I do know that somehow and no matter what, I have done a good thing today, and I am happy with that because even if I can achieve many things in my life, there’s no money in world that makes me feel happier than an honest smile

 

 

Conclusions

   

This world is so sick… That I even regret of being in this generation that I don’t know at all… But then again, in the end, maybe the problem is me, I should be like all the others are, because the ones who act stupid and have no respect by anyone, are the ones who takes advantage in some ocasions. Special for nothing, anyone cares, if it did, why am I not seeing anyone here now?

    

Last words for 2008

 

Only 4 hours to a fresh new start. During 2008 a lot of things happened, good and bad in my life. I got my own software company, I achieved projects that I wasn’t even dreaming of, and professionally, I’m having the best time in my life. In the personal way I wish I could say and think the same way… I had my moments of happiness, but not everything was a bed of roses. During these last days in Poland, I learned how real important personal life is, because without it, life is and will be always tasteless. Not much to say for now, just wanted to wish everyone a happy new year, and that 2009 brings you the best of the best. To all my friends and enemies (if I have some, don’t know exactly), a very happy new year. I nevoie tu înăuntru meu viaţă, te iubesc foarte mult.

 

Today I guess I will only say

"Life is just like a cabare"

by me.

 

I will get fucking drunk now.

 

Some words about me

 

“The most melancholic moment of all the year” some people say… It might be true yes… For me, this year I really wanted a very special Christmas full of happiness and smiles and love. It didn’t go like I was expecting to, because in the end I got stuck here in this room listening to Chopin and writing this post. I think it’s the first time in my life that I wish so bad for this season to pass already because is driving me insane… Anyway, and not to disappoint anyone, I went to buy some gifts today, like usual I always leave everything for the last day (I’m Portuguese, whatever). While I was driving, I had to put my radio off because all I could hear was Christmas songs EVERYWHERE; it was not a single radio station that wasn’t playing Christmas songs… I just didn’t want to stay sadder than I already was. Then I got to the shopping centre where I should not have went, because everyone is taking these moments in a very special way with their beloved ones, I am not in that position right now… And then some might say that maybe I should not feel that bad because I can fly every time I want, I can buy all the things I want to, I go to Africa or somewhere else if I am in the mood, but then I ask: SO WHAT? What is all this, compared to a heart full of joy and love? Can people still believe nowadays that if they have money to do whatever they want to, that it will make them happy? Maybe for some, for me… Definitely answer is NO. Maybe some time ago I was thinking that way, lying to myself thinking that grapes have a bitter taste and lemons are sweet… Today I realize how wrong I was, but then again, maybe, and just maybe, I had to taste that lemon just to see what happens when I don’t pay enough attention… It doesn’t matter now anyway, because I’m still alive, though not ok, but I will hang on… On 26th I’m leaving to Poland alone, just like an adventure, it’s a way of getting out of here and put my thoughts in other direction. I already have a plan of the things I will do, and the things I won’t, and in the end, if things always really happen for a reason, then this time I will have all the answers that I need from myself. I can plan the future but I cannot make it exactly like I wanted it to be, maybe because it can be even better than I was thinking of. Real emotions and feelings always come freely by themselves, that’s what I have learned already… Answers will come, one way or another, but I still feel like I don’t belong this place and I have almost a decision about moving to another country and make my personal life somewhere else than Portugal, because there’s nothing in this country that gives me a reason to stay… In Africa I have my professional life, in Portugal… besides my family and some friends, there’s nothing special enough to make me come here so like I said, answers will come soon… I never liked very much to approach what I write here directly to me, but today there are any metaphors to use. If today someone gave me one single wish, all I would ask was to go back in time and fix some of the things I made wrong, and I do know that is impossible, but I also know that tomorrow is another day, and though I cannot change the past, I definitely know what I want and what I need to be in the future… Life gives us some lessons we never forget… To the ones who are happy for these days, I wish you all a very merry Christmas, full of all I was expecting too, happiness, smiles and love, because when you have all that, gifts are just a superficial subject. See you soon, from Poland or somewhere else, who knows? I don’t…

“Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now’s the time to find out why…”

I wish I was special

 

“The moon is far, but we can always dance in the clouds if you want to. If you don’t, stay there then… I will just never know what you can say” … Part of a song, also part of myself and my life. Even on 26 degrees, the temperature freezes all my heart, stopping it to working properly. 2009 is getting close and still many answers remain to be answered. Everything is far from me, everything is tasteless, and still I have to stand on my feet and keep walking my way. No one said it was easy, but still anyone said it was this hard also… For more tears that might fall, I still wake up every day and see the same thing, feel the same way and wish for the same things, for the same words… And then, while cleaning my useless tears, I fall myself in reality and see how much it really hurts… I’m fixing my broken wings, because I need to fly away from here, out of this reality, going somewhere else where only I know where and find myself again. All the words I would love to hear just seem more far away from me by every day that passes at my side… “see you soon”  is always too far away while words want to come out and be heard… I just wish I was special, because I really don’t belong here.

“Don’t judge after small things the heart of a woman who went half the world with you…”

 

3 Sentences

There goes some time of silence, this didn’t died, it’s just getting ready to re-born again.

 

Keep walking.

 

Tonight

 

In a place of illusion I stand looking down there, and seeing what is expecting for me… Soon tonight will be tomorrow, and tomorrow will be next year, but even so, all the windows are closed in a way that I can’t look trough them… Tonight I began to understand what it’s all about. What if I choose to live? What if I decide to live in my little world… are hopes doubting now, after a war of feelings? To fix, to repair, to love, to fall… I know. Someday I wake you, sometimes I wait for myself, others I hold you… but tonight is just tonight, like tomorrow and so on, I’m somewhere there again on a place that scares me more than everything… Eu am nevoie tu… i domnişoară tu.. a face pe plac la a fi al meu…